Stories from April 1st – 2019 Edition

Public Service Announcement

The Garland Office of Emergency Management wants to remind you: With the start of the severe weather season, remember to hurricane-proof your dog. Veterinarians report a sharp increase in dislocated tongues and wind-blown hair during the spring and summer months.

3.9 out of 7 veterinarians strongly recommend that you ensure your dog has an ample supply of bottled water, access to 3/8″ plywood, peanut butter nomnoms, and a summer home in the Hamptons.


New IH635 Loop Approved

GARLAND, TX – In a surprise move, the Regional Transportation Council in coordination with TXDOT have approved a new loop to help make the commute home more fun. The new feature, dubbed “shockpave” will go into the current managed lanes in between SH78 and Shiloh Rd.

Artist’s Concept Drawing of the new Shockpave Loop

When asked, the construction firm that designed the controversial new feature said “The commute home is already pretty dangerous. It might as well be fun too.”

A fierce bidding war is already underway for the frontage road nearest to the loop. At the time this article was being written, several national body shop chains are reportedly “all in” on committing to the location.


Council to Use Golden Buzzer

GARLAND, TX – The Council has passed a new policy allowing use of “The Golden Buzzer” to let citizens know that their comments were quote “really, like, mind-blowingly awesome”. While the Texas Open Meetings Act expressly prevents council from commenting on or asking questions during citizens comments section, it does not specifically prevent the use of golden buzzers, confetti, or inspiring music. Additional buttons were suggested to the council but rejected, including the “Family Feud Strike buzzer”, the “sad trombone”, the “pit of spikes below the podium”, and the citizen-controlled “electric-shock the council member’s chair” switch. Garland continues to lead the state in innovative ways to communicate with citizens.